Saturday, December 09, 2006

Hard Lessons

I have been debating whether or not to blog about this. I was reluctant because I have no control over who reads this blog or what they do with the things I share about myself. I mean, you really don't want people you graduated with to talk about your problems because they read it on your blog, it's much better that they talk about the tree in your miata. But I am learning a lot about God through this, so I think I'’ll post.

My stomach problems have not gone away. They have lessened, but eating is still a chore. I have lost about 10 lbs through this and that puts me at 5'’7"” and 105 lbs. I didn'’t really want to lose any weight. With the stomach problems has also come some anxiety attacks. I think it'’s the stress from work, my mom'’s cancer and my engagement all catching up to me. Yea! (Any suggestions for high-calorie foods that are gentle on the stomach?)

The anxiety attacks are the hardest to deal with. I have decided that I will take physical problems over problems in my head any day! There have been times when I have felt like a trap door under me has been flung open and I fall quickly into fear and worry about the decisions I am making. Other times it feels like I am standing, or jumping, on the trap door waiting for it to fall open. It'’s a horrible, horrible feeling that I am tired of having.

And I think I can blame it on answers to prayers.

I have prayed to learn humility, compassion, dependence on God, how to pray, the importance of scripture, the gift of the cross, and complete surrender.

In the midst of this seemingly dark time God is showing me so much of Himself and myself. He is teaching me all of these things. I will explain more of these lessons in later posts as it would be too long to explain it all in this post. I can say that all of these things can be boiled down to one statement: Christ is enough. When I don'’t understand things or can't make things work, Christ is enough. When I can't "pull it together", Christ is enough.

I pray that these feelings will end soon, but I will walk through whatever I need to in order to remember that Christ is enough.

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