Women Humor

This is from an e-mail that was forwarded to me a while ago. About once a month I like to dig it out and re-read it. So I figured I would share it with y'all. (Hurray for KENTUCKY!!!!)

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'

monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you friggin kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending B.S. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

5 signs that I have been in this hospital for far too long:

1. The cafeteria lady asks if I work here and qualify for a discount.

2. Nurses and doctors on other floors and different units come up to us and ask "Aren't you the couple who is getting married?"

3. Nurses and aids feel the freedom to hug to me when I am crying.

4. I know more about the nurses lives than my family and friends lives.

5. I begin to drawl out my words and pick up the kentucky accent.

Whoo Hooo!!!!

The surgery was a success! Ben's intestine had gotten stuck and twisted and all they had to do was fix it. They didn't have to remove anything. There were no major problems that the surgeon saw. Ben just had a kink in his pluming.

Praise the Lord it was nothing worse.

They did have to make a new incision, please pray that the pain will lessen and that both incisions will heal well.

Surgery

The proceedure didn't work as well as the doctor would have liked.

Ben is going in for surgery this afternoon sometime between 3 and 5.

Please pray for him.

And me. Waiting to hear news from the operating room is torture.

Hi! I'm 24

Yesterday was my birthday and surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. I expected my birthday would be kind of ho hum since it would be spent in a hospital, but it wasn't. I laughed so much yesterday!

Here are the highlights:

- My family called and sang me happy birthday in whale. We've done that ever since the movie Finding Nemo came out. I know. We're dorks.

- Ben and I took a field trip down the gift shop where he bought me a stuffed animal. This trip was filled with laughter and odd comments to people in the hall. At one point I was laughing so hard I ran Ben's wheelchair into the wall. Oops. He stopped laughing after that and kept moaning for morphine. :-(

- Naming the pig stuffed animal, Breakfast.

I know it doesn't sound like much but it was a good day. Today has been a rough day, what with the people at work freaking out and the tests and the waiting for test results. I swear Ben and I were both ready to kill today; me - co-workers who kept calling about a problem I solved before they even knew about. And Ben - lab techs who were not so gentle or observant and caused him pain. I think we should have the test results within the next hour....

A post in which poop is the highlight

So Ben. He's been pooping. This so great. It means that the tube in his stomach is probably working and letting his body heal. Pooping is a very important part of health. To quote Ben, "The key to living is to keep on pooping." I think I may cross-stitch that lesson, frame it and give it away as wedding gifts... Monica - sorry to spoil what we are getting you for your wedding....

God has been good in working out so many other things as well. Here is a short list of things I was worried about and how God has taken care of them:

1. Moving Ben's stuff out of the dorm. Ben need to check out this week and I had no idea how it was all going to get done. Yesterday my dad and a friend came down, loaded up the truck and took Ben's stuff and my car back up to Ohio. Woo Hoo!

2. Money. Not being able to work makes the paychecks pretty small. My boss approved me to work remotely while I am in Kentucky. I work for a great company!

3. Timing of the wedding. Ummm... not sure how this one is going to work out, but I'm sure it will. I really, really hope that our photographer will be available for the day we pick... I was really excited about our photographer.....

4. Ben is currently homeless. They've kicked him out of his dorm and if the doctor requires that he stay in Kentucky for a while, I had no idea where Ben would live. I guess the couple that let me stay with them, offered to let Ben recuperate at there place... Hopefully we can just take him back to Ohio when he gets out of the hospital.

So anyway... things are going better. We'll know tomorrow if they need to do surgery. I really, really hope not!

God is so good. I think my next post will be about what I have learned...

Quick Update

We are just waiting now. Waiting to see if pumping Ben's stomach will relive the pressure and let his body heal on it's own. If it doesn't then they'll have to operate. 50% of the time this works. We are praying that it will for Ben.

We postponed our wedding.

Please pray that we will have wisdom moving forward. It's freaking me out to not know what the next step should be.

Thankfully, we serve a God who does. I am learning to trust Him in ways I've never had to before.

I just wish it was easier...

When you think it might be over....

I am heading back to Kentucky today. Scar tissue has closed off Ben's intestine and is causing problems. They are trying to remove it without surgery, but if it doesn't work, another operation will be required.

I am ready to be done with all this. I just want Ben to be well so we can get married.

Please pray for Ben. None of this is very comfortable for him...

New Post

I need to get that depressing post off the top of my blog. Umm... in case you were wondering, things at work are backing to being great. I was just in a funk.

So yesterday was my personal shower and bachelorette party. It was fun! I can't think of anything to write, so here's some pictures. Oh and the most useful gift I got was two toothbrushes labeled "Benjamin" and "Andrea". These were from Amberly; I used her toothbrush Thursday night.

Musings after a tough day at work

My advice to people when they are leaving a company is to not give too early of a notice. Like 11 months. That's too early. That's the notice I gave my company. I didn't mean to, it just came out in conversation.

I love the company I work for. They have been so great to me during the past 3 years of working there.

They signed me up for health insurance before I started full-time.

They gave me a flexible schedule when I wasn't feeling well.

They let me stay in Kentucky until Ben got out of the hospital.

But it's hard to keep seeing all of my projects get reassigned to other people. 11 months is too long of a time to get phased out of a company. All of the projects I have been pushing for the last 2 years are finally coming to fruition and someone else gets to run with them. I know it's the logical thing for the company to do, but it's hard for me. Watching other people get promoted to positions I helped create is tough. Listening while other people get credit for my ideas stings.

I'm excited to try my hand at a new company and the job I have now is not the job I want 5 years from now, but 2 months would have been an easier length of time to get pushed out. 11 months is just depressing.

Live and learn.

Oh, and I found out today that I have a cavity. :-(

On Wal-Mart

Yesterday Wal-mart stole a little bit of my soul.

I hate Wal-mart. Not for it's questionable business practises, but for the sheer volume of stuff and people they cram into a single building. I hate the noise, the lighting, the bright yellow price tags and the vast femullet sightings. I do my best not to shop at Wal-mart, not for moral reasons, but for sanity reasons.

Unfortunately, the nearest store to Ben in Kentucky is a Wal-Mart. Target and K-mart are a good 40 minutes away. This is the biggest downside to moving to Kentucky.

Yesterday I needed to get Ben some stuff to make staying in his room more comfortable. Like food. I had to go to Wal-mart. I also needed to pick up some cotton pajama pants for Ben. Target sells all kinds of these. Plaid, solid colors, prints. Target has vast quantities of PJ pants for men.

Wal-mart only sells Nascar print pants.

That's when Wal-mart stole a little part of my soul. When I realized that I would have to buy Ben Nascar pants and he would have to wear them, a little part of me died. At that moment I hated Kentucky and Wal-Mart.

So I took them back to Ben, cut all the sleeves off his shirts and trimmed my hair to be all business in the front and a party in the back.

Home!

Ben gets to go home today!

Which means if all goes well I get to go home tomorrow. I seriously can't wait. I am so happy he's healing well.

God is good!

Time for a little venting

I'm writing this post while the adrenaline is still pumping. Irrationality does that to me.

Ben and I have a drama queen for a travel agent. DRAMA QUEEN.

The day Ben got sick, we declined our travel insurance. Declined it. It was $140 to cover the CHANCE that we'd have to change things on our trip. We decided we weren't cancelling it - the worse that could happen was that one of us would get sick and we'd have to postpone it. We'd take the risk of POSSIBLY paying more for the assurance that we won't have to pay $140. Then Ben's appendix decided to revolt.

So I e-mailed our travel agent and told her we needed to postpone the trip until August and that we understood we'd have to pay the fees associated with that. I figured this probably happens all the time.

She called me today to discuss it and by the way she talked, you'd think I'd ask her to please stop the world from turning.

"Andi, you didn't purchase trip insurance. There's nothing I can do for you."

"I know we didn't purchase trip insurance. We aren't cancelling the trip, we are just moving it. I read the papers we signed. We still have the option to change things - we just have to pay more."

"I just don't know what I can do for you. If you had gotten the insurance that would cover this."

"I know. We took a risk with the insurance and we didn't win. I don't understand why you can't help me. I know you can move plane tickets, I know you can move hotel room dates. Not sure what the problem is."

"But it'll cost more than the trip insurance would have."

"I guessed that. We'll pay it. Just let me know what our options are."

"As long as you know you'll pay more...."

"Just call me back with our options."

There's nothing like walking out of the hospital room of your future husband (who's in intense pain) to take the call of a travel agent who tells you that your thousands of dollars are lost (when they aren't). There's nothing like that to get the adrenaline pumping. And make you want to strangle some one.

*Update on Ben - He still may get to leave tomorrow. They cleaned out his wound today and that was a lot of pain. They think the infection is pretty much gone. Praise the Lord!

** 3:00 update: The travel agent pulled through and got the changes made. We are this close to finalizing the changes and paying for the fees.