I've been rolling this post around in my head for a while now. I'm not sure how to write it. I want to write about the emotional aspect of all that has happened in the last few months, but every time I get started it comes out all whiny.
I'll be honest. There are have been quite a few disappointments lately. It was hard to move our wedding. It was hard to realize that we are missing some good friend's weddings because of all this. It was hard to decide to stay in Ohio for a while longer to pay off massive medical bills. It was harder still to realize we will be missing friends who are moving out of Kentucky before we get there. Things were and still are hard. And I didn't even have two surgeries.
But it wasn't just hard. Part of me wants to write about the hardships because I want to get them out but that's only part of the story. God has given grace above and beyond what I had ever dreamed of. He has taught me things and given me a perspective that is so incredibly valuable. I just don't know how to write it.
I want to write about how I could handle Ben being sick but couldn't handle missing my birthday. A missionary once said, "I can handle the large problems with grace; it's the small ones that cause me to come undone." So true.
I had always thought that my faith that was my rock would protect me from storms. That the storms could rage, but I would stand there in the eye of the storm completely calm and at peace. What I have learned is that sometimes God allows the storms to pound us and sweep us out to sea. He allows the waves to wash over us. It's in the midst of that storm that I learned to trust Him. To completely trust that even though this storm is beyond my control, Ben and I were never out of God's reach. He could calm the storm at any moment and there is a reason for allowing it to continue. I learned that faith is not dependent upon the absence of storms, but upon the belief that God is in control in spite of the storm.
God has given both Ben and I the strength and ability to handle what has happened and in this process my faith has been strengthened; for which I praise God.
I pray the storm is over and that the sea is calming. I pray that from here on out things will be smooth sailing. But if it isn't I now have a stronger confidence that my God will love and protect me. That He will weather life's storms with me and will give me the grace to withstand the waves.